A friend of mine who I respect so much as a person and as a mother posed a question about how we view the past and future. I ended up commenting and decided to post my own comment on my blog- just thumb tacking a note to remind myself where I am at this point of my life.

I am inundated in reminders of Buddhism and everyday I tell myself to be in the present. I no longer have many expectations because so many things have fallen through- this is not a bitter thing, just a fact and I just have more faith that what will happen will happen as long as I try to live as well as I can. 18 months ago I imagined I would be starting to look at myself more and working on contemplating the next step but (and I am so grateful for him) Sora surprised us. All of a sudden I watch many in my age group moving on, entering the next chapter. I see the Mama's I spent time with spreading their wings more as their babies become more independent in the world. Careers re-starting, re-entering school, getting to know themselves again with a bit more space and free time. I am so blessed to be a stay at home mother right now and I know this stage will pass quickly. I am just surprised that I am still nursing and changing diapers for this long.

Mine and Masa's goal of having a stable home of our own have been put on hold until the company transfers us again. We live in uncertainty- we assume that the next move will be back to Tokyo but it could also be China or Papau New Guinea or where-ever. We just never know. Our conversations about the future seem unreal so many "when" and "if's". I can't even feel confident about what I will do in an hour- just anything can and does happen so often. I know life is uncertain but somedays I wish I could plan my future. For now I just pray that we save enough and prepare the boys enough and whatever the company decides to do with us next we will be ready. Actually, for me all I have is the present and everything that exists in that fleeting breath of time. I have never been blessed with the power to make sound dreams but I have been blessed with being given a life I never knew I wanted.

Finding Australia

I think the boys are pretty excited about going to Australia. First of all, Tomo asks me everyday "are we going to Australia tomorrow?" And just today, with the snow piled up...do they make a snowman...no...they go searching for peices of snow/ice resembling the shape of Australia. So they had a line-up of "Australia's" on our buildings front step. Tomo started it and of course Reo follows along.Conveniently there were mounds of snow... not to make a fort mind you but Ayers rock of course.

After the Australia play they decide to put together Japan. Reo found the shape of Hokkaido too much to resist so he takes it and whips it at my backside. Tomo is not happy and begins shouting "Reo, stop throwing Hokkaido at Mom's butt" over and over in Japanese. I assume this must have been mighty curious to passerbys. It all ends with Tomo pushing Reo's head into the snow and that was the signal to haul everyone back inside.

I bought the boys some kids books about Australia for Valentines day ( that and Dali Lama paper dolls for them and Chihiro *lol*, seeing that she will be going to Thailand soon perhaps some fun...different type of Buddhism but hey it was in English and I am all into exposing the kids to any religion that teaches love and understanding) We rented the Rescuers Down Under but they didn't care for that movie too much. They prefer the Wiggles and Crocodile Hunter (it has already been over 3 years and I still don't want to break the news of Steve Irwins death to Tomo).

Thats pretty much it. I took Tomoya to tea ceremony on Saturday because I have have begun studying it and thought he might get a kick out of the whole Samurai aspect to it. It is only once a month but a private lesson for Tomo and I- kinda like a Mom and Son date. The weather was pretty violent so we had to stay the night in a nearby city for my Sunday work as the trains stopped and the road conditions were questionable. A friend of mine teaches kids how to ski on the weekends, he asked me if he could teach Tomo as well. I am so busy until the end of the month therefore to take advantage of this incredibly kind offer I strangely see myself actually hoping that the snow stays.

I haven't been over to Tokyo for awhile so we are looking forward to spending 2 days there in a couple of weeks. I am pretty satisfied with Niigata and I know someday I will be back in the Tokyo area so not really into sightseeing...just the luxury of good conversation with Cecilia, checking out her area because when we get sent back to Kanto we will be buying our own house. This is one of the rare times we will stay at a friends house- because we have children we generally prefer to stay in a hotel to not risk friendships. I do appreciate that I will be able to get a sense of that area of Tokyo though. I think next time we go we will stay in Chiba to get an idea of how that is like. Oh of course- as much as I wish it was just for relaxing the chore of going to the embassy to process Sora's passport has been procrastinated long enough so I hope to get that done and over with first- thank goodness Cecilia will be coming along to help with the Chibi monsters. That deserves another "thank-goodness" except in bold and in upper case...THANK GOODNESS!

Beat

3 days of minimal sleep. 3 days of Sora being even more fussier during the day. I can actually feel my hair turn gray. I am so darned tired I know I will likely be stumbling through today. These times always pull me back to Tomo's first 2 years. I have wriiten enough about that experience. Sora has been a decent sleeper until now, hopefully this is just a teething thing or something else that will pass. But the digressive flashbacks are not fun- the first time Tomo slept one hour straight at night I and Masa actually cried. For 2 years, it was I in particular who was waking often ever hour. I think I survived it because he was the only child at the time so I could walk around like a headached zombie wearing my pj's all day if I had to. But so often I was at smashing point. After turning 2 and us realizing it was allergies that was keeping him up at night he became the best sleeper in our house. Reo is pretty fantastic at sleeping too and now I see what an "easy" baby he was. I figured that even though Sora can be demanding at least I had the night to rest- but for 3 days not even that.

The other day I had to work for a bit. One of my collegues gave a student the wrong test so the company asked if I could go to the teachers classroom and re-test. I said I would have to bring the 3 chibi monsters with me because it was after Tomo's preschool. The weather condition started turning bad as I was walking to the preschool. The Preschool actually has a system that I can pay some more money to let Tomo stay longer if he needs to. He hasn't needed to but I was so darned tired and I thought of how much mental and physical exertion would be involved to bring the 3 guys with me with the wind howling and throwing ice crystals at us, the poor pedestrians. I asked the preschool a big favor, swallowed my pride and inquired if they could watch Reo for me too for a couple of hours. After a bit of thinking and looking out the window and into my pained eyes they obliged for this one time only. The system is set-up for only the preschool kids. Anyhow, it was a good thing I did ask- the weather got pretty nasty, trains were delayed, cars backed-up. It took longer than expected and I ended up making no money after paying for the 2 kids to be taken care of but I at least saved myself from worse. I was happily stranded in a cafe for a bit- so even though Sora started freaking out, at least I had a teeny bit of "me" time. Goodness, if this is "me" time, as soon as Sora stops nursing I am celebrating by flying out to Seoul for a weekend and kicking it up in a spa ALONE.

It turns out I really jumped the gun and jinxed myself with the whole "Haru ga kita" post. Here is a view from my place this morning:

Actually, this is good snow- the "packing" snow that can be made into snowmen and so far it is pretty dry and calm outside.

And, as tired as I can get with the constant demands of this little man- he has me completely whipped and all of us in the palm of his teeny-tiny hand. You should see how Masa melts while watching Sora. Tomo makes a point of telling his buddies that also have babies in their home that Sora is the cutest, best baby in the whole entire world. I tell him that his friends babies are very sweet and cute too but he is pretty proud as far as his baby brother is concerned. Sora is actually very smiley but is much more needing to be held. Those smiles certainly help dealing with all the in-between fussiness. This is one baby not lacking in kisses.

Setsubun 2010

Another Setsubun has come and gone. Setsubun is when we air-out the bad luck from our home and invite the good luck in. My boys enjoy it more and more each year- something so satisfying in chucking beans/nuts at papa who is dressed as a devil and yelling "Out with the devil, good luck come in!" Okay, it sounds a bit like an exorcism when I describe it but actually quite different... I think...not that I have ever been present for an exorcism. Anyhow, windows and doors are opened (because if you didn't the bad luck would just be bouncing off the walls), the whole performance part I described above takes place and finally we count out our age in beans and eat them. So the older you get, you better buy beans that you like. One year I bought peanuts and I realized that 29 peanuts are not really something I like to eat. When I am 100 I imagine eating those beans (assuming I have teeth) will be a bit much for the digestive system. The Oni mask this year is courtesy of Tomoya. The cute little Oni toys were something I bought for the 3 chibi monsters.
Here is wishing all a successful Setsubun- I hope all my friends in Japan have cleansed their homes of nasty vibes and filled it to the brim with the good stuff.

Haru ga Kita

かAlthough it was snowing this morning, at one moment in the afternoon the clouds left space for a ribbon of sunlight to fall. It tumbled into my room where Sora caught a glimpse of the warm area of light and crawled towards it. He giggled and slapped his hand in and out- already, understanding the sense of active play that the sun brings.

The sun coaxes growth. It was like I was a spring onion reaching to break the warm earth that kept me safe all winter.

Two months ago, winter was a very welcomed notion. Usually, when the fallen autumn leaves are being swept away I succumb to nostalgia- walking down the wide street in a thick jacket, looking up at the smoking chimneys, the smell of wood burning in a fire along with the scent of baking apples. Winter came and bound us- a circle around a boiling pot of stew, the images passed down of past Christmases and the idea of the quintessential time for Japanese families- New Years. Winter is about being with the ones we love. About the warmth of home, the warmth of clothing, the warmth of being together...to a certain point.

After New Years, the only thing to look forward to is Spring. The constraints of the season weighs down and loses its charm. Like sleeping in, the blankets so cozy- but after awhile it just has an ill feeling. Being in the dark too long, sleeping too long- the world once again becomes enticing, the noises once annoying are musical.

Spring is not here yet...but that bit of a preview made it seem closer. Soon, the doors and windows will be thrown open, closets aired out and the heavy jackets sent to the cleaners. In the depths of winter I imagine it would be lovely to live in a place that was warm all the time. In reality, as grumpy and soggy rainy season can get, unbearing the coldest days of winter seem or the opposite- burning heat of summer that makes me wish that I could strip down to my bones I am dependent on the changing of seasons. New Years never brings the sense of resolutions that the passing and beginning of seasons bring to me.

Haru ga kita. Spring has come... not yet but the signs are there. Even the sparrows sense it, every year in late January they begin rummaging around my flowerless flower pots on my balcony. It is time for me to start stretching my atrophied muscles and get to work finding all those things I made a list of these past innate months.

2 hours

I have been given 2 hours.

Masa worked a half day because of some stuff we need to get done. I was so tired so I asked him if he could take Reo with him and than go to watch Tomoya at Sports club so I could rest.

I would love to nap but baby is fussy so I am holding him in the baby bjorn. My home is relatively clean because a friend came for lunch. If it weren't I would probably be cleaning right now.

2 hours is a long time and something that my current life does not take for granted. Last Wednesday, the Ishimura's gifted me 2 hours. I went for a glorious, unhindered walk. I am too sleepy for that.

I have 2 hours to recupirate. The weekends work refreshed me but halfway through the week I see the wear and tear of being with a fussy baby and powerful 2 year old (oh boy is he powerful, Masa and I are EXHAUSTED- he is the equivilant of 3 children right now).

2 hours- write, read, think happy thoughts, reflect, sip tea and hopefully take a nap. The morning was tough, I was feeling worn out that it felt like one more strain would put a hole through me. So the universe sent in the mender. The experienced, calm, understanding person that I see myself drawn to increasingly. She came in and said "they are so young, enjoy it...it goes by so fast". It does, I know it I see how Tomo has grown so much before I was ready. It is what came next that I needed... "I want you to enjoy it...I didn't". After that, her open honest story touched me. I could clearly see her and my joy, weariment, hardship. I could understand my mother better and understand and accept more about what I need to do. I could count my blessings and get a glimpse into seeing how the things that don't feel like a blessing now really will be.

2 days ago another unexpected gift from the universe came. When the deliveryman came by I scratched my head...I couldn't recall me ordering anything that was to be delivered this week. It was a heavy smallish white box. I opened it to find kiritampo. In Akita, I use to frequent a particular retaurant that made local dishes. Once, while I was still in Akita she found out I was sick, and she (the owner) sent some chicken soup to me. She got our New Years card and was astonished to see that another baby had entered our life. So she gave us what only an experienced Mother knows I need- a nice warm meal and as she said in the letter exactly what my mother always says that makes everything taste better "she put in her love and well wishes" with the other ingrediants. I have given birth 3 times and I have the North American image of baked casseroles arriving as soon as the mother returns from the hospital. I didn't think that happened here in Japan. It never did to me, that is until Sora was born. Kimiko made me a box of food to put in the freezer. I appreciated that thoughtfulness. And now, for the second time- in my life I think it has happened. Another woman, with 3 grown children had the insight, the generosity and thoughtfulness to think I could use a nice homecooked meal made by someone else. I was so touched, wiping tears from my eyes- thinking how wonderful it felt to be thought of. I called my Mother and told her. Masa was so touched that he told his parents. We called and thanked her but I don't think she totally comprehends what a huge deal this was to us- I am sure this is what she does for her own children.

Masa and I are happy but we are tired. Perhaps the most tired we have ever been. I know I have been negligent of taking care of others as much as I could or wish I had the energy to. I have so many boxes of things I bought and are piling up in the closet that I haven't mailed out. I must send them- if I could let those people know how much I think of them. If a small act of walking to the post office could change someones day, why the heck am I holding off? Energy comes in so many forms. I get alot from human energy.

I have 2 hours and I want to give a little back. I have to tell you- yes you that I have so much gratitude for reading my little blog, for the sweet comments even though I do not comment as often as I wish. The wonderful friends who I keep in touch with through this blog and the happy expectant future of meeting those who I feel I already know because of their honesty and openess in their writing. I know the Ishimuras read my blog and I constantly tell them I appreciate them but I must say it here so they truly realize that these words are not just out of courtesy. This wonderful couple has given my family "family" love- something that we don't experience in the flesh so often. They love my children as if they were their own grandchildren. They have opened their home to us and makes sure that I am relaxed every single time I am with them. They have shared their memories, dreams and knowledge with us.

And finally gratitude to the universe for granting this tired Mama the 2 hours she needed. It doesn't take much to change the course of the day. It is much too easy for me to forget this (duh-how could I forget with the most thoughtful person like Cecilia in my life? How wonderful is it to have a friend go to a museum and send a postcard with an image of her experience telling us that she thought of us while there. She send us her thoughts frequently).

Gratitude for the universe giving me the power to change the day for myself and for others. That doesn't take 2 hours, 2 effective seconds can suffice.

When the kids are nuts...

might as well put chocolate on them.



Nice table manners eh! Actually its tofu cake so partially healthy. I handed Tomo the bowl and told him that he and Reo could lick it while I finished up making the cake. This is the horror I came back to 2 minutes later. Luckily Masa came home a few minutes after and could help me clean them up.

Speaking of baking. Friday, Tomo came home and asked for chocolate cookies Reo pipes in "Reo too". Baby was a crank so I told him them that if they wanted some they would have to make it themselves... and they actually did! Well 98%- I held Sora and gave them directions and put it in the hot oven and took it out. But, the egg cracking, sheet greasing, measuring... all done by the 5 year old and 2 year old Chibi monsters. It was a proud moment and the cookies tasted great (things always taste better when I don't make it *lol*)

Oh and while I am being the good blogger (wow- 3 posts in 2 days, bordering on fanatical) I will be a good daughter and throw in a few more pics for my Mom- clean but still crazy chibi monsters.

Thinking about proroguing

My Canadian government is great! They have been teaching us new vocabulary. Last winter the big word was "proroguing" not pogo-sticking, actually the opposite of jumping around with fantastic balance. It simply means suspending government. And just in case we forgot they brought the word up AGAIN. See they are testing us. Now that crazy word will be lodged in my head that I will have to buy a pet and name it "Prorogue". It seems that the government can't cope with the Olympics and running Parliament at the same time!!!!! I guess I understand. Well, generally I can't balance dressing 3 kids, cooking, cleaning, working a bit but yet I do it and get this- I can blow my nose, stand on one foot and scratch my butt at the same time... AND get paid zilch for most of the work I do. Actually, I have a baby strapped to my front, am putting food in a 2 years olds mouth and using my other free hand to type this.

Pro- WHAT? Oh my, you forgot already. Just concentrate on the "ROGUE" part and pair it with Mr. Harpers image. See it is so easy to remember. proROGUING.

Anyhow, I want to get rid of the Governor General- why should the Queens representative have to decide if Parliament can take a break. Who the heck is paying the taxes that pay these multi-taskless, all-thumb arses to work (or not work as is the current case). The public should decide if this is allowed. She allowed it twice... Of course Mr. Harper would try to pull a fast one- he is a politician for goodness sake a pro(fessional)rogue. The Governor General should be non-partisan and look at what the public attitude is and use her own supreme wisdom. What did she do? Call up the Queen and ask her? Unlikely of course but I could just see it: the queen sipping tea and giving her consent after thinking "cool, I didn't know I could make any decisions regarding Canada- how quaint and colonial" and then speaking into the phone receiver "my goodness, what a pity Michelle darling. Well where did I put my magic cue ball? Ahh...there it is. A little shaky, shaky. Well Pro-whatever you call it, it is. Ta ta darling. Glad I could help".

In a couple of months though I hope the public does take the matter into their own hands. Mr. Harper might think he is killing a few birds (and bills) with one stone by doing this but when he see's his reflection in his shiny office window he may see a few feathers popping out and a that darned stone boomeranging back at him.


or not...

It should be interesting to see how much my fellow Canadians let this continue eh!
Just don't be too polite about it eh! With all those birds being killed there are plenty of feathers flying around and I am sure all us Canadians watching with disbelief from abroad would love to provide the tar.


AND- not meant as a side note but bearing no relation to the above: SINCERELY Thank-you for your kind supportive comments regarding my last post. After cathartically writing it I think I am going to challenge myself to see if I can get these guys to jump aboard the "enthusiasm" train *lol*.

Catty Men

Meow. It did irritate me last year but this year I have to pity the man for his insecurities. I love my work and because it is not a daily job, because it offers me a break and a change of scene I have fun, get creative do my best- and frankly (not because of talent but because of the above mentioned) I am one of the best. I had a good coordinator in Sendai- he is a humble, kind man and we had so much fun getting me to go beyond what the big company has ever expected. I remember at a meeting in Morioka once, the native teachers seemed to mock him for his genuine enthusiasm- just not cool I guess. I was stunned. Up until then I had special meetings because either I was out of the country or due to the scheduling and my distance to Sendai. I only worked with others at events, never met them beforehand. J is awesome (he gave-up his position to pursue his music) he is a super healthy, non-stop, considerate, energetic kinda of person. He is also very pure and sweet- it never occurred to me that people would roll their eyes at him. Thus, I was surprised...and the eye rolling and catty comments all came from men. I believe that was why he was so supportive of me- I would match his enthusiasm. When I moved to Kanto I was told that I was the highest ranking teacher they had ever had (the classroom teachers evaluate us after each event). A year later while talking to them about tax forms, I was told that they were still getting requests for me to lead the judging, parties, workshops etc...
I am not bragging. Really, I am not. If I was doing this work everyday I would not have such a high evaluation- if J didn't enlighten me that I could be creative and give me the space to put my ideas into action I wouldn't be considered exceptional at my work. But I am exceptional- hundreds of events later, half a dozen prefectures and dozens of colleagues/partners I know that I go beyond the call of duty. I do it because it is fun- the teachers delight, the students smiles and comfort level with me even though they see me only a couple of times a year and frankly, I am a bit (just a bit) of a ham. Anytime a child is crying and nervous to be tested he/she is sent to me. I prepare my own material and brainstorm with the teachers. I make their money worth it. I do it because I can, not to upstage anyone. I do it because there is such a good feeling to enjoying these bursts of working hard and being awesome. I do it because I love human connection- yesterday, a junior highschool girl requested to see me and gave me a great big hug. I hadn't seen her in a year but I was one of the judges at a speech contest and I gave her some tips and faxed her teacher a letter wishing her luck in Osaka. Evidently I gave her something more than 5 minutes out of my time.

So it has been happening to me- the eye rolling and sarcastic comments. It happened in Tokyo too. It was with a woman who had been working with the company for a very long time. In a snarky voice she said out loud "well that's new" and than proceeded to turn her back at me. I ended up befriending her finally. It bothered me at the time that she was rude to me but it was balanced with Tokyo bosses being happy with my work and them getting special requests for me to do events for various classrooms. I find that the people who do this to me usually have worked for the company a long time or are use to being worshipped ( hello, single, past 30, been in Japan partying, foreign man). Now that I am unavailable and not THAT young anymore- the guys no longer need to be that kind to me. Instead to the above crowd I see how easy it is for me to be an outcast. At first they are nice but after I do my thing the "I-am-a-foreign-guy-therefore-I am-too-sexy- and-don't need-to try- just give-me-the money-plus-some- sake and-skirt" type emerges, indignant to have their right to "sexiness" eclipsed by something so simple as effort. It is sad really and they get all territorial, making snide remarks trying to look cool and gathering the nice guys and no joke- being all highschool and ostracising me. I will be working more with these catty men over the next 6 weeks. Last year it took me a back. This year it just looks so obvious and kinda sad.

I am proud of my work. I don't mind eating alone- in fact, I enjoy the peace and quiet too. I also know that the company appreciates what I do. I know the teachers are floored. I also know that what I do anyone can do but they don't. Sometimes I do work with someone who is open and willing to try. In that scenario, I am so pumped with having had so much fun with a colleague that we feel like we both learned from each other and had the joy of pulling off something that made all involved so happy. Everybody has awesome ideas so when colleagues work together to make something even grander it can be incredibly rewarding. Often, when a colleague realizes how much rope we are given and we both get stimulated and creative our event becomes worthy of a Tony. This is rare. But the joy of this work is that it is different from the doldrums of regular teaching. These are not our students we have no responsibility to teach them anything- just let them use what they have learned and make them feel good. Make them feel good and hopefully inspire each other. But for now I guess I have to deal with these particular men taking their chairs into a corner- backs facing me and let them discuss the regular getting wasted and woke with...crap. (Seriously that is what happened yesterday and these guys didn't know each other until a couple of hours earlier). The ringleader who I met last year didn't even have the courtesy to say "hello". He didn't even look up when I came in the room and greeted my co-workers. I knew at that point what would happen- the other people would be slowly invited into his circle until he had effectively cut me off. And others do join him. I cannot understand this at our age.

It is a bit ridiculous- I am "uncool" for doing my job with joy and doing it well. Let's face it...any native English speaker can do the teaching English gig. It is common knowledge that we are easily replaceable. Thus, in this circumstance to make this work a chance for learning, a conduit for creativity, a fun challenge and to make myself maybe not irreplaceable but at least positively unforgettable. To be paid a nice sum of money and to say "I was worth it" instead of "I can't believe these guys dished out this amount of money for the crap I do" makes me envy myself.

I am lucky and I am nice to all my colleagues and sincerely want to work together with people (heck I am with kids all day- which also helps to formulate my ideas). So lets face it, they are pretty lucky to be working with me. It is a pity some don't see it that way (although I am pretty sure they have been "using" my ideas and techniques into their teaching when I am not around).

Okay I am fully aware that this might sound catty to some. Point is, "cattiness" is not a gender specific trait.

Meow